Mr. E Answers Your Mail #1: The Awkward Phase

Dear Mr E,

I would like to be more evil, but I can’t seem to get the hang of it.

I feel silly when I laugh maniacally at things no sane person would

find funny, and sometimes I even find myself saying ‘please’ after

asking my minions to do something. How do you get past the initial

awkward phase when entering upon a course of world domination?

 

Sincerely,

A Confused Evildoer

Dear Confused Evildoer,

Let’s back up for a second, my Anglo friend (I know this because you omit the “full stop” after “Mr.”), and examine your use of language. The way we use language is at least half of what makes us the kind of people we are. For example, have you ever noticed that, when you have this or that foe restrained and ready for the kill, you may talk at length and in (retrospectively) embarrassing detail about your plans? And have you noticed that superheroes can speak in full, properly punctuated paragraphs while punching multiple mutant shark-men into the next county? These are the kinds of language quirks that come with the territory, and that you just have to accept.

What I really would like to address is your use of the word “evil.” You seem to have a weird hang-up about your villainy, so I doubt it’s much of a stretch to guess that you were raised Catholic, or possibly even Anglican, which is, in itself enough to make one want to burn the world to its rims. But you need to let go of that baggage. Evil is, as all great villains know, relative. Is implanting obedience chips in people’s brains evil? Is ruling over a brainwashed populace evil? Maybe to some it is, but is it more evil than a chaotic world full of senseless violence and bloodshed? I think not.

Moreover, evil is a state of mind. You say that you have minions, and if that is in fact true, you are evil enough. It may seem awkward at first, especially if you find yourself being polite when you’d really rather whip and bludgeon and rule with an iron fist. But, some of history’s greatest villains have been polite. If you like, think of it as the calm before the storm: a little civility before the big betrayal. Still, remember what I said before about making peace with your own brand of evil. If evil is what you are, then evil you will always be, the rest is just style. My style involves insane super-science, electric alligators, and mutated shark-men, but if your style is more in the area of planting bombs in orphanages, you need to own that. Make it yours! Carpe diem!

Sincerely,

Mystery Mister E