Celebrity Zombie Apocalypse

Now that the second season of The Walking Dead is about three months away, I thought I’d start a series of theme posts as a sort of countdown. As a first post in the countdown, I’m going to list the seven famous people I’d want in my general vicinity as survivors during the zombie apocalypse, in no particular order.

Arnold Schwarzenegger

This may seem like an odd choice, but I have my reasons. First, he may be older and slower than he used to be, but he can still probably swing an axe with devastating results. Also, as someone who used to train physically, he could help develop a physical exercise regimen for those in the group who are less in shape. Also, say what you will about his role as the former governor of California, he does have charisma and leadership experience. Also, as an action movie star, he has held all sorts of weapons, which, even if he hasn’t fired a real weapon at a real target, means he still has more experience than many potential survivors.

 

Ken Jeong

Yes. The insane naked guy from The Hangover. Not only is he funny as hell, which would boost morale among the group, but the man is a doctor. Really. IMDB tells me that he earned his MD at the University of North Carolina and completed his residency in New Orleans. Every group needs a doctor, especially one that can make you laugh after you’ve blown off one of your toes because your total firearms experience amounts to mowing down pedestrians in Grand Theft Auto.

 

Anthony Bourdain

Again, there is a class of person that every group needs, and the one I think is most overlooked is a chef: someone who knows how to cook food fast and efficiently, but also has culinary knowledge of wild plants, animals, and fungi. It also helps that professional chefs tend to have a high tolerance for pain and stress, since they spend many hours of their sleepless lives surrounded by fire and yelling. It also helps that they know how to use a variety of knives. Honestly, this was a toss-up between Anthony Bourdain and Andrew Zimmern (of Bizarre Foods) because I thought the latter might have more experience in finding and eating stuff that other survivors might skip over. What I really wanted to weigh in my mind was the handicap each one brings to the group. Bourdain is practically a chain smoker, and Zimmern is a little on the heavy side. I chose Bourdain because during the zombie apocalypse, he’d eventually have to quit smoking, for lack of cigarettes, and during his withdrawal period, I can imagine that he’d go totally sick-house on some zombies.

 

Lisa Kudrow

She’s not a doctor, but she does have a science degree and is incredibly insightful. She also trained with the Groundlings, an improv troupe that is famous for having its graduates move on to shows like SNL. That kind of sharp, quick thinking would be crucial in assessing many situations, and in helping keep coherency within the group.

 

Adam Savage

Truthfully, I’d like both of the Mythbusters guys in the group, but if I had to choose just one, I’d go with the one who I think would get a total kick out of the zombie apocalypse, and I feel like that would be Adam. The reason I’d want a Mythbuster in the group is simple: fortifications. Experience in construction is essential when fortifying a place to shack up for the night. It also helps to have knowledge of what commonly found chemicals could be weaponized. Eventually, a group of survivors is going to have to start making their own bullets and bombs, and Adam certainly has experience with things that go boom.

 

Joe Rogan

This one was kind of a no-brainer. He’s a funny dude, which means higher morale, but he’s also a trained kickboxer and has knowledge of various fighting and training techniques. Also, as a comedian and the former host of Fear Factor, he has had to work hostile rooms and has seen people do really dumb shit for money, so he would be a good go-to guy for feeling out the intentions of other groups of survivors.

 

Don Cheadle

Seriously, who wouldn’t want Don Cheadle in their survivor group? He’s the all-around guy that you need in a group–someone who can do anything because he has done everything, if not in real life, then in his mind. This is a guy that, when you see him in a role, you don’t see him–you see the character. That kind of devoted person is something more crucial to the survival of a group than guns, axes, medicine, or leadership, because he is the living embodiment of the will to survive. Also, he was War Machine.

 

Generally, I think the idea of having a celebrity group of zombie apocalypse survivors is a recipe for disaster. Egos will inevitably clash, someone’s pride will take a hit, and the whole enterprise will come crashing down. When I think of celebrities holding out against the zombie hordes, I think of a certain scene in World War Z and shiver. Even in The Walking Dead, one man who has a certain expectation of authority is enough to fray a group’s nerves. Two men of that ilk in the same group is a recipe for chaos. Seven people with celebrity status in the same group? Better hope you get rescued quickly.

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“Teats”

My roommates and I were sitting around last night and during a description of a person not in our collective circle of friends, I heard what I thought was the word “teats.” I thought, out loud, that “teats” seemed a little to agricultural to be used as a word describing another person. Of course, the word actually used was not “teats.” Imagine my disappointment. While kind of a base way of talking about a woman, the word itself is great. And it’s so much better than “tits” or “titties” because it’s a high, chirping sound, pleasant to the ear, while the aforementioned alternatives sound flat and uninteresting. Still, using the much more aurally interesting “teats” around a human woman is awkward and should be avoided.

The word was stuck with me for the rest of the night and on through the next morning, and prompted some rather psychotic-looking giggling while on the subway. I didn’t even have my headphones with me, so I couldn’t use the excuse that I was laughing at something on my iPod. I was just sitting there giggling to myself like an asshole. Anyway, what sparked the giggling in the first place was the sight of one of those people–there’s gotta be one every single morning–who had some enormous suitcase on wheels and was trying to drag it around the station while sucking on one of those sweet Starbucks blended whatevers with the domed plastic top. I saw this and thought that maybe, as a species, we’re regressing maybe just a little if we’d rather suckle on some sweet teat than walk comfortably. I mean, the suitcase was flying everywhere, not even on its wheels half the time, crashing in to wall and people, and this idiot was just stumbling around suckling on it like it was mother’s milk. Honestly, if we’re going to have forty-year-old men sucking frozen coffee out of clear plastic teats, can’t we get bars to put rubber nipples on the tops of shot glasses? Because that’s what I want. I want a shot of whiskey, but I don’t want to shoot it–no, no! I want to suck it directly from a plastic teat! I want to suckle from a whiskey teat while wandering around the airport looking for my gate, because this is a free country, god damn it, and if we’re going to regress, we ought to do it with that American can-do attitude.

I think that bit broke down a little toward the end, but it’s a first draft.