Normally, before I jump into the topic of the day, I like to give the news in brief from My Secret Mountain Hideaway, but today I’m jumping right in because there are some ideas that are occupying too much space in the collective consciousness. Instead of paying attention to my impending takeover, people are obsessing over these trivial bits of thought candy.
1. The World is Coming to an End in 2012
Unless you have somehow replaced your brain with the actual stone Mayan calendar upon which so much hype has been based, you know that this is simply silliness. You will spend the end of 2012 getting drunk and dancing to Europe’s “The Final Countdown,” probably while wearing ironic sunglasses to shield your eyes from the massive solar flares. And you will wake up in 2013 on a cold operating table with a brand new behavior chip implanted in the base of your skull.
I don’t mean to telegraph my evildoings, but my top scientists assure me that unless you are Doctor Mental or any of his NeoBrain Acolytes™ (fabulous party last weekend, by the way), your attention span is so short that, even now, you may not remember why you are reading this. But fret not, my future minions: those same scientists are currently developing an app for that. Free behavior chip included!
Anyway, the banality of this whole apocalypse thing disturbs my sensibilities, but I feel the need to prove a point, which is this: just because the stone calendar of a doomed culture stops at a certain time, does not mean that the end of the world follows. My computer clock’s maximum range is December 31, 2037, but unless I use one of the several doomsday machines I have lying around here (New Year’s Resolution: keep better track of doomsday machines), the world will keep spinning into 2038.
Just about every culture has its end-of-the-world scenarios, and every few years, someone finds some combination of numbers that look pretty. It’s enough to make even the maddest of scientists wonder why people have such a desire for the end of the world. Sure, we create machines to bring it about, but honestly, they’re mainly decorative.
Also, if Ashton Kutcher is making any pronouncements about, well, anything, it is definitely benign.
2. Movie A Beats Movie B in the Box Office
This just in from the news ticker: True Grit beat out Little Fockers in the weekend box office rankings this weekend. While I struggle to contain my impulse toward a sarcastic remark, I will allow you a moment to do the same.
Ready? Good. Without saying anything too heady or judgmental about either film, let’s pretend that these two movies are runners in a race. (A race to where? Who the hell knows.) Runner A is seasoned and trained, relatively speaking, but runner B is fresh and new to the scene, and has the advantage of having swallowed a fistful of steroids and pep pills that morning. The starting gun fires, and they take off. Runner B shoots ahead, with runner A trailing close behind. Unfortunately, runner B is not a trained athlete, and soon starts to lag, runner A soon takes the lead, and wins the race, while runner B staggers off to the side of the track to vomit up the performance-enhancing drugs it had gulped down just to make it to the race. When the results of runner B’s blood test comes back from the lab, it shows that runner B should have died before reaching the track, and that his blood was so corrosive that it ate through the lab bench, melted the floor, and killed three of the cafeteria staff in the basement.
These two movies aside, the argument can be made that good writing and filmmaking will tend to triumph over obvious schlock. This argument, of course, is completely invalid in the summer blockbuster season, when black becomes white, up becomes down, and I occasionally do community service work. Pro Tip: zombies only last so long before rotting; if you can’t use them effectively before their expiration date, use them to gain misplaced admiration from the general populace.
3. ________ is Gay
This one is short, because it consists of one idea. If you have enough time and mental space to focus on who is and is not gay, unless you are noting that for a future dating idea, you really need a hobby. In fact, several positions just opened up in my workforce. Email me if you are interested and don’t mind having a behavior modification chip installed in your skull.
If, however, you would like to wait until the chips become mandatory, keep on making everyone else’s business your own, but know that in the future, you won’t care.
Get a head start on it now, if you like. It will make the transition smoother.